Part 1 - Q & A Special for Highly Sensitive People! with Jules De Vitto

Welcome to part 1 of a Q & A special! In this episode, I respond to a number of questions that were sent in from listeners in the Facebook Community and via Instagram!

I explain what is meant by the term 'Sensory Processing Sensitivity'. I talk about how we can navigate emotional overwhelm, how to protect ourselves from absorbing the energies or emotions of others and the importance of boundary setting. I also touch upon the importance of cultivating self-compassion when we are faced with criticism.

More about your host, Jules De Vitto...

Jules De Vitto  is a Transpersonal Coach who is experienced at helping Highly Sensitive People overcome anxiety, stress and burnout. 

Jules is Highly Sensitive herself and is passionate about helping Highly Sensitive People step into their authentic power and align with their true purpose in life. She lived in Asia for eleven years before moving to London and integrates Eastern practices and modern-day mindfulness into her work.

She has a degree in Psychology, an MA in Education and an MSc in Transpersonal Psychology, Consciousness and Spirituality. She’s a Meditation teacher on Insight Timer and a  published author through Changemaker Books and John Hunt Publishers. She wrote Resilience: Navigating Loss in a Time of Crisis to help people through the Covid-19 Pandemic available here.

You can stay connected with Jules through her...

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/highly.sensitive.humans/
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/highlysensitivehumans

Join the Highly Sensitive Hub - a growing community and Membership Area for Highly Sensitive People. Get a 3-day free trial by signing up today: https://www.highlysensitivehumans.com/plans-pricing

Resources for Self-Compassion: https://www.highlysensitivehumans.com/self-compassion-resources

Resources for setting Healthy Boundaries: https://www.highlysensitivehumans.com/bundle-3-all-lessons

Free Resources: https://www.highlysensitivehumans.com/freeresources-highlysensitivepeople

Join the 8-week course, 'Step into your Authentic Power as a Highly Sensitive Person' starts October 4th 2021, and is limited to 20 people! Join now!

Transcript

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Welcome. I'm your host, Jules DeVito, and you're listening to the Highly Sensitive Human Podcast, the show that offers an insight into the world of the highly sensitive person and helps those who identify with the traits of high sensitivity to feel more empowered and resilient without denying their authentic gifts. So, welcome everyone to this special podcast episode today where I'm going to be talking through a series of questions and answers. So if you are part of my Facebook group, Highly Sensitive Humans, or if you follow me on Instagram, Highly Sensitive Humans, then you will have seen recently that I posted a question which was for you to ask what questions you have in relation to being a highly sensitive person, and what is something you would like some advice or guidance on. So thank you so much to everyone who sent through their questions. And today I'm going to start going through these questions, and I've grouped a few of them together because they have a very similar question or have a similar theme, and some of them I'm going to save for a second episode, and I'm actually going to group those questions together, and I'll explain more about that at the end of this episode. So I'm really excited to go through this with you, and also I'm hoping that these questions are relatable to many of you. So I'm gonna start with some definitions. So one of the questions on the Facebook group was that this person in particular had just heard a term called SPS, sensory processing sensitivity, and asked if I could explain what this is. So yeah, absolutely. So researchers such as Elaine Aaron, who have long spoken about the highly sensitive person, and it is Elaine Aaron who coined this term. Well, the official scientific name for the highly sensitive person is sensory processing sensitivity. So basically, it's the same thing. So sensory processing sensitivity is the official name for the highly sensitive person. And so just to explain a bit more about what this trait means, I think first of all it's really important to highlight that it's not an illness, it's not a disorder, but it is thought to be an innate trait associated with greater sensitivity or responsivity to environmental and social stimuli. So this includes having more significant brain responses associated with awareness, memory, self-other processing, and empathy. So it's proposed to be an innate trait that impacts around 20% of the population. And interestingly, it's also found in over 100 other species, for example, in dogs, fish, birds. And so the traits of high sensitivity include things like depth of processing, and this refers to the tendency to process information much more deeply. And it has been found that highly sensitive people have high levels of self-awareness and enhanced perception of the world around us. So this depth of processing includes things like having a deeply ingrained memory of events, seeing what is beyond the mind's eye, and research has shown that those of us who are highly sensitive are deep thinkers, we might be interested in spiritual ideas and also have we're likely to engage in meaningful work. So we have a very sensitive nervous system, which means that we can get easily overwhelmed and over-stimulated by our environment. And I'm going to talk more about this in a moment because some of the questions I received were in relation to this over-stimulation or feeling overwhelmed. So the research has suggested that highly sensitive people have more mirror neurons and we are more in tune with uh empathy and our ability to feel our emotions and sense the emotions of others. So there's often talk about the difference between empaths and highly sensitive people. And I just want to point out that for me the distinction between being an empath and being a highly sensitive person is not clearly defined. I think both of these labels, let's say, exist on a spectrum, and of course, you can have higher or lower levels of empathy depending on who you are as a person. You can have extreme levels of sensitivity, or you can be somewhere in the middle, or have low levels of sensitivity, and of course, these two traits of sensitivity and empathy overlap. So if you are a highly sensitive person, it is very likely that you are also very empathetic. So this relates to the second question here that I want to respond to, which is someone asked, How do I better protect myself from absorbing others' energy? So um, you know, our ability to absorb the energy or emotions of other people really comes from this um emotional openness that we have as highly sensitive people, and when we are empaths, when we are highly empathetic as well as being highly sensitive, then we can struggle with taking on the energy of others or our environment. So there's a few things we can do to really take care of ourselves in relation to that. The first thing is really about having healthy boundaries. So, as highly sensitive, empathetic people, we do often feel the pain and struggles of other people, and we want to help. We want to offer our compassion and our healing energy for others. Um, and it can be very easy to do that without awareness, or we can do it with awareness, and when we do it with awareness, we can really choose how much of our energy we're let's say giving away, or how much energy we're absorbing or taking from others and the environment. And there's a few ways for us to build awareness, and that is really about connecting with our body. So sensing how we feel in specific situations or when we're talking to specific people, so you might find that if you are sat with someone, you start to feel uncomfortable or you start to feel quite drained, and that can be because they are consciously or unconsciously actually draining you of your energy. So if you notice that you sense that in your body, then it's for you to choose whether you continue to talk to that person, and if you do, then how do you protect yourself? Well, you can set an energetic boundary with that person, you can choose not to take on their emotional or energetic pain. And with that, it's important to remember that as highly sensitive people, even though we may feel the need to help or heal others, that that actually might be part of our life purpose. That might be what we're drawn to do. And we actually might find that other people who are struggling are drawn towards us. They they seem to almost like a magnet be drawn towards us because we have this innate ability to hold space for other people. So, with that, it's really important to remember that we can be empathetic and we can be great listeners and we can hold space for other people without taking on their pain. So, actually, it's much more compassionate for ourselves and other people to be creating a healthy boundary where we're not trying to absorb or take on their emotions but we're listening empathetically and giving them space to work with their own struggles. So we can also practice learning to let go, to let go of the energy and the information that we receive from our environment and from other people. So if you do find yourself absorbing it and holding on to it, it can be really good practice to have a daily ritual where you are able to set some time aside to simply let go of what you've been holding on to. So that includes and that can look many ways. It might be taking a bath, taking a salt bath, to literally wash away the energy that you've been absorbing and holding on to. Another ritual could be to literally write down everything that you have experienced that day, or any of the struggles or emotions that you've been feeling from others and your environment. Write them down, tear up the paper, burn it if you're in a safe space to do so, so you can actually on a daily basis practice letting go of that energy and knowing that it's not your job to hold on to it. So I hope that that's been helpful in terms of some practices. Um, and and just to add, actually, just to summarize, really, because we're talking about boundaries, um, we're just talking about awareness and really being present, really being present with yourself and continue to check in with yourself throughout the day and just notice how you're feeling, notice where your energy is getting drained, notice what is nourishing you, and then that brings me to the next point, which is about self-compassion. It's really about learning to prioritize yourself. So often, as highly sensitive people, we can put the needs and priorities of others before our own, but it's really about learning and remembering that our needs are important, our ability to practice self-care and self-compassion is crucial, and we need we do need to prioritize that. So, if we want to hold space and be there for other people, we can only do that when we are nourished. So, to to start to prioritize our self-care practices is crucial, and there are many ways that we can do that as well. In the show notes for this episode, I will provide a link for you where you can explore some more self-compassion and self-care practices that I have within the Highly Sensitive Hub members area of my website. So, I'll provide a link for you if you'd like to check that out. So, there's been a couple of questions which are all related to how to prevent overstimulation or overwhelm. So, thank you for those questions. Someone asked how to prevent and handle overstimulation, as this is something they feel they need to focus on. Another question was how to settle the nervous system, and finally, one um member of the Facebook group shared that pre-COVID they were a teacher but they burnt out with uh chronic fatigue syndrome. I so want to be around people and have kids at some point, but I find too much peopling utterly exhausting, and I need to retreat to a silent cave to stop the overwhelm. Any tips with dealing with this frustration? So, yeah, there's there's a few things I'd like to say about that. First of all, the first thing is you know, really recognizing that as highly sensitive people, yeah, being around people all the time can be exhausting. And you know, those people who are not sensitive or who are more extroverted can find it difficult to understand if you need to spend a lot of time on your own because they don't understand why. They can't understand why you might need more downtime or you might need to sleep more. Um, so retreating to a silent cave is actually something which makes sense when you know if if we think about the society and culture we live in, uh, it is over-stimulating, it is really fast-paced, and there's a lot going on, and you know, there's not many jobs I can think of where we are really allowed to rest and restore our energy fully. So the first thing really in relation to this is about listening to our needs and respecting our limit, respecting our boundaries. So, you know, it can be helpful to ask what can we handle in a day? And how can we nourish and recharge ourselves? So, with that, it's about learning to have boundaries and learning that it's okay to say no to things. So, if working all day and then going out to see family and then having more chores and things on top of that is too much within one day, then it's completely reasonable, and it's about learning um or asking how you can shift your lifestyle to one that suits you as a highly sensitive person. So it can again it can be difficult, it can be difficult to say actually this is too much for me, and I need to cut some things out of my schedule, or it can be difficult to have that realization that perhaps a job that you do enjoy is too much for you and it's causing you to burn out. But it's about looking at where what what what do you have control over, what changes can you make? Um, so the question that was asked about um pre-COVID and being a teacher but burning out, I can relate to you because I also used to be a teacher, and it's something that I really enjoyed. Um, but I do find it to be quite it is a really overwhelming and over-stimulating job to be in. However, that there's ways to work around that, so you know, I knew that after a day of teaching, well, I would need a lot of time to rest and have time to myself, have time to reflect and process, maybe take a bath. So while my um colleagues were you know going out and continuing to socialize, often I would need to take time away from that. And again, maybe not everyone understands why, but it's about really fully owning that and knowing it's okay to do that if that's what you need to do. There's nothing wrong with you, and it's simply about um finding a lifestyle that aligns with who you are as a person. So, so I often talk about how high sensitivity can be a great gift, and it is a great gift. Um, those of us who are highly sensitive do have, I believe, a specific purpose in this world. However, these traits, the traits of sensitivity, don't appear to be a gift if we are burnt out or struggling with anxiety and stress. But when we can find and step into a lifestyle and purpose that is authentic to us, then instead of trying to get rid of the anxiety or fit into a specific mold or specific way of being, a specific lifestyle that just doesn't work for us, then we can we can actually find a way to access our gifts and fulfill our greatest potential as highly sensitive persons. So it's about finding a lifestyle that does align with our traits and with our qualities. So that's obviously for each person, each individual person to discern. If you know that your job is burning you out, it's either asking how you can make changes within the restraints of the job or the career you do, or is it have you reached a point where you actually need to change careers or change your lifestyle, change location or change the amount of things you are doing in a specific day? So that can also include creating space in between activities, having downtime. And again, I know this is difficult considering that this fast-paced society and culture we live in, but take a moment to consider what could potentially work for you. And so to add to this, there's been a couple of questions about chronic fatigue syndrome or struggling with burnout and how to settle the nervous system. And I also had someone ask whether there is a connection between being a highly sensitive person and fibromyalgia or autoimmune disorders, and whether, like, how you can build yourself back up if that is the case. So I just want to address the connection between those things as well. So the first thing I want to say about this really is that from my perspective, I work from a transpersonal perspective, which is you know, really looking holistically at what the purpose is behind every experience we have. So there's actually been very little published in relation to the highly sensitive person on how being susceptible to experiences of anxiety, burnout, or emotional overwhelm, which are considered to be the negative effects of being a highly sensitive person, well, there's little spoken about how we might be able to reframe these experiences, these challenges, as serving a purpose. So, for example, if we take the case of burnout, if I consider my personal experiences of becoming burnt out, well, they were extremely challenging experiences. However, it was because of the experiences I had in terms of burning out, physically, mentally, emotionally, that I was led on a significant path of healing and growth. So it's often because of our struggles that we are led to heal, grow, transform, and actually potentially step into being guides, healers, or leaders for others. So there's something called vantage sensitivity, which suggests that highly sensitive people are more likely to propel and excel when placed in supportive environments. So we actually respond really, really well to positive, nourishing, nurturing environments. So, you know, if we are experiencing burnout, uh chronic fatigue syndrome, or physical, emotional illnesses or struggles, then we can ask ourselves: okay, what is this trying to show me about my lifestyle? What needs to change, so I can really step into my authentic power. And again, this is about finding a life that is in alignment with our true selves. So just to add to that, in terms of yeah, how how might uh being sensitive relate to suffering from chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia or other autoimmune disorders? Well. It's important to remember that yeah, we do have a really sensitive nervous system. And then on top of that, our emotions are stored in our body. So every emotion has an impact on our biology. So stress, anxiety, trauma manifest as symptoms in the body. So over time, these can result in somatic symptoms. So it makes sense that in terms of us having a very sensitive nervous system, that we are more impacted by our environment. So if we do go through experiences of trauma or extreme challenges in life, and that can be anything from a relationship breakup, uh stress at work, uh moving house, losing a loved one, there's so many life events that can cause us to feel burnt out, um suffer from trauma, and because we're highly sensitive, we're going to be more impacted by these experiences. Um, so there's some great research on the connection between the mind and body. We can't separate the two. So I really recommend Gabo Mate's book When the Body Says No, The Cost of Hidden Stress. And he talks about specific examples and the connection between things like arthritis, cancer, diabetes, uh, multiple sclerosis, and how these disorders or diseases can often manifest in the body as a result of our emotional experience or trauma from the past. So I think it's so important that we don't separate the two. But this isn't to say that we are, because we're highly sensitive, we're doomed to experience a lot of illnesses and not be able to recover. That's not the case. Um, it's again about finding ways for us to feel nourished and take care of ourselves. So it might be frustrating to think that okay, I need to sleep more than the average person, or it might be frustrating to feel like, oh, I can't do 30 things a day when I want to, I can only do 20 things a day. But when we really start to respect and take care of ourselves, actually, we might find you might find that you are able to do more actually. So this idea that less is more, or being um being present with yourself, um taking part in activities that nourish you, going out into nature more, um, spending time with loved ones, reading a book instead of working into the late hours, um, meditating, practicing yoga, exercising, eating a healthy diet. So looking at all of the different things and ways you can actually nourish yourself, and this is really going to help you build resilience and then keep educating yourself on this connection between the mind and body. Um, so it has been proven that self-compassion practices do have an impact on your health, they improve things like depression, anxiety, and reduce the impact of physical illnesses because self-compassion actually boosts the immune system. So there is a connection, and it's so important for us to prioritize self-care, self-compassion practices because it will have an impact on our physical health. So I hope that's been helpful, and I'd love to go into this in much more detail because there's so much we could explore in terms of this topic. So there's one more question that I'm going to address today, and then for the following questions, I'm going to group them into the next episode. So I had quite a number of questions in terms of the highly sensitive person and how we relate to others. So, for example, how to be a good partner in a relationship as a highly sensitive person, how to be the best highly sensitive uh parent for a highly sensitive child, and how to support others when they are feeling overwhelmed. How can we as non-sensitive people support highly sensitive people? I also had a question on how to deal with a narcissistic mother when you're an empath and a highly sensitive person, and so these questions are incredible and so important for us to look at. So I'm gonna dedicate a whole episode to looking at um how we as highly sensitive people navigate the world in relationship to others, and then also how if you're not sensitive, if you're not highly sensitive, how can you support those around you who are? I'm really looking forward to sharing that with you in the next episode. So, coming back to today and the final question. The question was asked on the Facebook group. I don't take criticism very well, and it feels like a knife going into me. I'd like to be able to be more accepting and resilient, but it isn't something that comes naturally to me. It'd be great to hear any useful advice around this. So, thank you so much for this question. So, this is really about the relationship between being highly sensitive and being highly critical of ourselves. So many highly sensitive people are very self-critical, very hard on themselves when we hear criticism or we perceive criticism from others, we do tend to take it personally. So, this is really again because we have been, it's likely that we've been deeply impacted by past events and trauma or challenges. And we're also very conscious, uh conscientious, and we can strive towards perfection. We can also tend to ruminate on things and we want to do well. So, actually, these qualities are again wonderful qualities in terms of us really striving to be the best possible people that we can be, and we really want to do well. Um so there's a positive intention be behind us um, you know, being self-critical or taking criticism personally because we're we're wondering what we can do better next time. However, if we're taking uh criticism too personally, then it does become, it can become a limitation in terms of us worrying about making mistakes or worrying that we're not good enough or putting ourselves down. So, really the antidote to this perceived criticism or criticizing ourselves and becoming more resilient is really what I've already spoken about, which is self-compassion. So, how can we become more compassionate towards ourselves if we perceive that someone is criticizing us? So, how do we um allow ourselves to hear those words but then reframe them and be compassionate towards ourselves and know it's okay to be less than perfect, know it's okay to make mistakes, um, and know that often we are sensitive to criticism because we just want to be the best version of ourselves and this isn't a negative thing, but we don't need to take on board all of the advice or words of other people, and again, this is about boundaries, this is about really trusting and loving ourselves. So when we trust and love ourselves completely, um, when we hear words of criticism from others, we can either take it on board in a healthy way, reflect on what we can do differently next time, or we can choose not to take on that that reflection or the criticism, we can uh be aware like maybe it's not even about us, or we can realize that we aren't being we aren't being attacked necessarily, um, and we can protect ourselves if we need to. So, thank you so much for that question, and um just to repeat, like I said, the antidote again is really self-compassion. So, I'm going to provide another link to resources which um can be really helpful for cultivating self-compassion for highly sensitive people. Um, I have a whole bundle in my members' area, the highly sensitive hub, where you can access these self-compassion resources. So, if you feel that's going to be of benefit to you, then please check them out. Um and in the next episode, we are going to focus on highly sensitive people in relationship with others. Um, so how we as highly sensitive people can work on our relationships with others or deal with narcissistic parents or mothers, for example, and then I'm going to turn it around and answer the question of if we are not highly sensitive, how can we support those around us who are? So please check back in for that episode and I love hearing from you if you have any questions or responses to what you've heard in today's episode, please let me know. Thanks for joining me this week on Highly Sensitive Humans. Make sure to visit my website highly sensitivehumans.com where you can subscribe to my mail list for regular updates, or join the Highly Sensitive Hub, which is a membership area and growing community for highly sensitive people. In the membership area, I share monthly bundles of resources, tools, meditations, and we have a community forum and monthly workshops for us to get together and support each other on our journey. And if you found value in the show, I'd really appreciate a rating and review. Please share this episode with your friends or other highly sensitive people that will find this podcast helpful.